


Scarred

by Celeste (orphan_account)



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Angst, Bullying, Child Abuse, Child Neglect, Cielois - Freeform, Death, Demon Ciel Phantomhive, Depressing, Depression, Diary, EVERYTHING HORRIBLE YOU THINK OF ASK TO TAG, Fallen Angel Elizabeth Midford, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Multi, Neglect, Other, Pain, Psychosis, Rape, Schizophrenia, SebaCiel - Freeform, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Underage - Freeform, Unrequited Love, Violence, extreme violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-05
Updated: 2017-06-05
Packaged: 2018-09-19 21:15:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 27
Words: 7,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9460697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Celeste
Summary: Ciel Phantomhive's diary, recording events of his journey through Hell.





	1. Home

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The House on Mango Street](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/259148) by Sandra Cisneros. 
  * Inspired by [Wreak Havoc](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/259151) by Skylar Grey. 



August 26, 1889

I'd been walking for hours. My feet were crippled from dragging them for so long, especially in heels.

My lungs felt as though they would collapse in the heat and ashen air, but I followed Sebastian anyway. He was the only one who knew how to navigate this wretched area, anyway.

He approached a building I would soon  _have_ to call home. I scowled at the place as my butler knelt and searched beneath a mat for something. He straightened himself up when he found it and unlocked the front door.

The house was worn down. It's goblin green paint was peeling. The house itself squatted to the ground like a gargoyle. The inside was better, but I'm too tired to really write more and describe it in detail. It was pampered by Sebastian, if that gives some perspective. My room was a closet beneath a staircase. In my exhausted state, I didn't complain, and just laid down on my new bed, clutching my diary to my chest. The bed is nothing like the one I had during my reign as Earl. It causes pain in my back, even though I haven't laid on it for long.

I can tell when Sebastian is going upstairs or downstairs. I hate the downgrade in space, but I'm too tired to care or complain. It's hot. And I can't breathe.


	2. Swings - August 12, 2016

Sometimes that demon brings me to parks and tells me to go play and be a child. Sometimes I’ll think it stupid, and ignore him completely. I’ll walk away scoffing. But there are some days where I can’t feel or think or breathe and so I heed the advice and I stare at the sky. I sit on the rubber of the swings, and I’ll grasp the chains, and I’ll kick my legs forward and kick my legs backwards. I’ll close my eyes and imagine my family. I’ll close my eyes, I’ll breathe in the hot air, I’ll breathe in my desire for affection, my desire for love. I’ll breathe it in, I’ll breathe it in. And today is no different. I imagine my family. I miss my family. I kick my legs forward and I kick my legs backward. I listen to the music pouring into my ears from my phone.   
And then I fall off. I fall off the swing and I give a cry. My back hits the dirty wood chips of the playground and I take in a sudden breath. Children rush to me and they ask me what’s wrong. But what is wrong? What is wrong? I don’t know. My body hurts. My chest hurts. My ears are ringing and I see him standing over me. That demon, with a smile upon his lips. A twisted, cruel smile. Like he knows what I feel but doesn’t care. And he asks me the same thing.  **What is wrong, my lord? What is wrong?** __  
I don’t know.    
I don’t know.    
I stare at the sky and I see crows circling me. I close my eyes and imagine I don’t exist, just like I imagine on the swings everyday.


	3. Demon - August 15, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sebastian helps Ciel into his demon form.

It was sickening, the way he glared at me. His form was huge and black and he stared at me and all I could see was his eyes. He rested his hands on my shoulders. Shadows tickled my sides and my gut lurched inside of my body; I wanted to throw up. He opened his mouth and whispered in my ear. How to take my true form. He tells me, my true form, my fullest potential. He’s tall. He’s black and his wings are the length of his body each. His eyes, all I could see were his eyes as they bore into my soul. His claws, snaked into my mouth, along my tongue. I tasted blood, my blood, and it was horrible and metallic. It made me gag, and my stomach twisted again.

**Do you taste it?**

**It’s disgusting… please stop…** I begged, blood rolling over my chin, as he cut into my tongue again.  **It hurts. Please stop.**

**Taste it, Ciel.** I whimper, helpless in his grip, his shadows tightening around my body. I’ve felt like this before. Tightening around me. He grasps my face.  **This is the soul I want so badly.** He growled at me. He opened his mouth and my heart sunk in the sea of my soul. He was going to eat me. I struggled. My teeth--they ached. And he was going to eat me. The metallic taste was gone. He was going to eat me. My back hurt, my hands and legs. I hurt, I hurt. Make it stop. I let out a pained whine.

Bones snapped. I let out a scream, as wings slowly tore their way out of my back. Blood poured over my pained flesh. This is pain. Make it end. My hands, no longer hands. Paws. Claws. Sharp claws, and my feet, now animalistic. They hurt. Everything hurt. The shadows, tightening around my throat. This hurts, this hurts. A tail, long, and winding, nestled between my thighs as I cried. The pain. This hurts. 

He never released me, and opened my mouth to bare my fresh teeth, sharp canines sensitive to the cold, and he smiled sickly. He took my paw, and placed the tip of the claw on his tongue, slicing into it. My pupils narrowed at the smell. And then his sour mouth was pressed to mine. I’m overwhelmed, the taste of his blood, his blood mixed with mine, our souls in our blood. Who knew this? I was helplessly twisting my tongue with his, desperate for a taste, letting him explore my mouth with his long tongue. I’m sick. My stomach is turning upside down. We’re hideous. He breaks the kiss and bites into my neck.  **That hurts… please stop…** I whined, but he doesn’t stop. Please stop biting me. Please stop.


	4. First Place and a Half - August 25, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ciel wins a poetry contest.

And anyway I don’t really care for winning anymore. Who would have thought? It’s too hard to really try my best, and when I do I always end up failing. Who needs  _ that  _ for their self-confidence? Whatever. I write poetry in school. One day the damn language arts demon grabs the page out of my notebook without a damn word and crumples it up, then tosses it on her desk. I was half-expecting the paper to explode, considering her pyromaniac tendencies, but it didn’t. What was this lesson even about? She had begun droning on about shadow magic and I had lost interest, and now the one poem I was half-writing half-scribbling was gone. Sure, it was bull, but it was still  _ work  _ of mine and it was lost and crumpled in the most disrespectful way. Shadow magic. What good is shadow magic if I’m not even a full demon and I’m incapable of performing it? Psh. Shadow magic.

Whatever. I dared not take out my diary for fear she would grab it and read it aloud to the class. OH GOODNESS. TO THE CLASS. I’m sure that was a natural fear for everyone. Why am I pressing this out of me? Because today I had to attend a ceremony at 6 PM. Apparently, I was invited to the ceremony, because my poetry had been used in the school calendar. I sat with Sebastian among several others, who all side-eyed me. What business had I there? As far as I was concerned to them, I was a half-breed with no talent in ability, no talent in anything. I sat there. They went through the names. And then I heard mine. Ciel Vincent Phantomhive. Long, smooth, easy. 

I’m lying to myself. They pronounced my elegant French name as “Seal”. How do you even butcher “Phantomhive”? And anyway, I couldn’t bear the snickers. I stand up and shield my face from the bystanders with my clawed hand, eyes on the ground. I lean up and quietly correct my name to the spokeswoman, who corrects herself.  **My apologies, everyone. CIEL Vincent PHANTOMHIVE.** I am handed my award, and I’m asked to recite my poem.

I’m given the paper and my eyes gravitate towards the title, which is WRONG. I announce my disapproval immediately.  **You’re mistaken. This poem isn’t called “DETERMINATION”. This poem is called “Aggravation”.**

**… My apologies.** That bitch sounded just like Sebastian. I was irritated. I took in a long, deep breath, and turned my red gaze to the crowd, opening my mouth, and speaking with as much aggression I could muster without coming off too rude. 

 

**Sometimes you want to burn the world to the ground.**


	5. Alone - August 31, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ciel goes into detail about the demons who bully him.

They are relentless, those tall shadows. They have grins and hostile stares, just like that demon of mine. They are relentless as they push and they shove me. Into the lockers. They corner me after school, they strangle me and they bruise me. When I reach the damned house, I say nothing to that demon. But he sees the marks. He sees them and he says nothing. He really hates me. I go back to that school and it happens all over again. It’s a never ending cycle of misery and pain. I hate myself. Why should I not, if everyone else does?   
My grades are poor. Those teachers. Demons, more like. Funny. The others don't realize the true meaning of 'demonic'. I guess you have to live with one to recognize one. They all call me “painfully shy”. It's almost as if my shyness actually hurts them. If they only knew. About my self-hate, my yearn for affection, my desperation for someone to see me and know that I’m absolutely lonely and miserable. But they all know, I think. So they laugh about it. They love how much pain I’m in. 

I cut myself for them, so that they don’t have to do it for me. I do it, but they just laugh and point and call me pathetic. So I blame it on that demon’s stupid cat. I blame it on the raven that is really a cat. But the scars--they are no mistake. But they laugh at my misery anyway. Long sleeves on hot days to hide the scars. Long sleeves on hot days. And they laugh. I’m late, I sit alone, I’m alone. 

They are relentless, those tall shadows. They hate me, they do. So I hate myself too. I deserve to be alone. Alone in Hell. That’s all I’m worth.


	6. Nightmare - September 2, 1016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ciel introduces his unrelinquished love for his butler.

Love. I love, I love,  _ I love. _ Hate. He hates, he hates, he  _ hates. _ He hates me, and I love him. I LOVE HIM. 

But he’s only here because of the contract. That  _ damn  _ contract. And he hates me. He would gouge out my eye if he could. He’s always grinning, always there in the shadows, watching me. I wake up from nightmares and he’s watching, feasting on my terror. Or is this a nightmare that I haven’t woken up from? I’m drowning in hate. I’m drowning in his hate, I’m drowning in my hate, I’m drowning in  _ their _ hate. I can’t breathe. Please just let it end. Let me wake up again.

Every day, I spill my blood and I feel it and it hurts, and I know that I’m  _ not  _ dreaming. I’m here, I’m living, I’m breathing, I’m suffering. Every day. Yes. Every. Day.


	7. Blood - September 12, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ciel gets a taste of Sebastian's blood.

The intoxicating smell drove me up a wall as soon as it hit my senses. I couldn’t control my own body. I only inhaled once - just once - and suddenly, shivers ran up my legs and down my back like ink touching water. And by the second inhalation, my tongue had already been reaching up to taste the liquid that had aroused my demon senses. It had awoken me. That demon’s--no. No, not just a demon's. SEBASTIAN'S. Sebastian's deliciously red blood. Everywhere.


	8. Fallen Angel - September 16, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ciel finds Lizzie again, and doesn't know how to react.

I stepped into the hell that I knew as ‘school’ with my ‘friends’, and as I entered class, I saw  _ her _ . Her emerald eyes were furious. She was baring her fanged teeth at a boy that resembled Sebastian in all but age. Blood stained her pastel-coloured clothes, bodies surrounded them. I couldn’t help myself. I smiled when I saw the demons that abused me. They were all dead; she had killed them. With her own hands. She shouted her question, her voice laced with fury.  **Where is Ciel Phantomhive?! Where is Ciel!?** And I called out to her. She turned to find me, my name upon her onyx-coloured lips.

But when she saw me, she froze. The light died from her eyes.  **You’ve become one of them,** she said.  **You’ve become a monster like that demon of yours.**

Have I become a monster? Have I? 

I could hear them. The voices that had come with that ring. I thought I’d left them behind with that ring, but they were  _ here _ . They whispered things. They told me that I would end up like those bodies if I didn’t react fast enough. 

I panicked when she approached me. So suddenly, jutting from her torso was a fist. A bloodied fist. MY fist. She stared at me with wide eyes, as if she couldn’t believe what’d I’d just done. They were still whispering.  _ In Hell, it’s only kill. Hesitate, and you'll be killed. Such a good boy you are, killing her. Aren't you, Ciel? _

Her blood was all over me. On my hands, my face, my uniform. The smell was intoxicating. I was turned  _ on _ . I licked the blood stain on my cheek, and I barely remembered what I did next. 

I just remember waking up in the house, bruised and battered, an emerald green sword piercing my chest, and a ring. 

Our engagement ring. 

Taped to a note with Elizabeth’s handwriting on it. Then, there's a moment. A moment of silence, when I realize that...I’ve done a terrible thing. And now she’s gone forever. She hates me. She hates me, just like everyone else.


	9. Girls - September 17, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ciel experiences transgender issues, and describes them here.

I’ve always thought I didn’t belong in a boy’s body. That I was really supposed to be a girl. With big, beautiful steel blue eyes and long black hair that the wind would caress. I could be loved. I could be cared for. I’ve always thought I was supposed to be a girl, because I was always attracted to males. But I never understood why I felt this way. I always thought I was broken. I always thought that it wasn’t right. I was taught that it was a sin, that it was disgusting. Improper, and impure. They said it was horrifying, to love boys. To love girls. To love both. I was broken, wasn’t I? I’ve always thought I was supposed to be a girl, because I was attracted to lace and pastel pinks and purples and hearts and blues. I just wanted to be normal. Why couldn’t I be normal? I rejected it all because I was a boy. I needed to be masculine. I had to be respected. No one could know how I felt. Not that demon, not my parents, not my aunt, not my… my… 

Lizzie… 

Oh Lizzie… I’m so sorry… 

Please… come back… I’ll tell you everything… I’ll be better… … Please… 

 

[ Dried tear drop stains. ]


	10. Hands - September 19, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A group of bullies corner Ciel after school and rape him.

Get them off of me, please.   
The contract doesn’t matter. Not anymore. He didn’t save me. He didn’t care. I was crying his name out. Over. And. Over. But he never came. But no one came. Those tall shadows grabbed me, they restrained me. They held my chest to a wall. Don’t touch me. Don’t touch me! I begged over and over, but they didn’t listen. Nobody listened. It wasn’t like how the books made it seem. Everyone lied. Sebastian lied about protecting me. The books lied-

They beat me down. They held me down. They ripped my threads off and despite my screams, they touched me. Everywhere. Everywhere I didn’t want to be touched,  _ they touched me. _ They liked the way I cried. They licked my tears away and continued despite my cries. THEY TOUCHED ME. They reminded me of  _ that cult.  _ They reminded me that I was pathetic. They told me that I liked it but  _ I didn’t like it. I DIDN’T LIKE IT.  _ They felt me up and took turns telling me I was disgusting, using me like I was just a little toy. They licked my lips and bit my skin and tHEY TAINTED ME

 

THEYTAINTEDMEIMIMPUREIMIMPUREIMIMPUREIMIMPUREIMIMPUREIMIMPUREIMIMPUREIMIMPUREIMIMPUREIMIMPURETHEYTAINTEDMEIMIMPURETHEYTAINTEDTHEYTAINTEDMETHEYUSEDMETHEYHURTMESTOPITPLEASEIHAOSDFGIMPURE _ IMPURE _ **_IMPURE_ **

 

[ Illegible scribbles and words, surrounded by stains of droplets of blood. ]

 

**_I M P U R E._ **


	11. Madam Red - September 23, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ciel expresses his feelings for the colour red.

Red is the colour of passion. The screaming color of a passionate rose. The fervid throes of a vivid romance. The rhapsodies of a hopeful heart. But it represents so many terrible things. Death and pain. Blood and anger. Why is such a beautiful colour associated with such terrible things? Passion. Hearts. Romance. Those are the only good outcomes of red. Everything else represents the human race. Negativity. Death. Death. DEATH. DEATH. GOD. 

Red. 

I hate it.   



	12. The Raven That is Really a Cat - October 2, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sebastian's only cat in Hell lashes out and attacks Ciel.

That demon will hate me. 

 

His favorite pet--she resembled a cat. She was a sleek feline with many eyes to watch me, like he does. Her tail had been chopped off. As she approached me she grew angry, throwing that hateful look at me. That disgusted look. Even the fucking pet hated me now. When she told me that all I did was cause her father needless agony, I grew angry too. I tried to protest. And suddenly, here were her tiny claws, lashing out at whatever piece of exposed flesh they could find. Shiny, shiny claws. So sharp they could double as razor blades. And they're everywhere. 

 

Sebastian is going to hate me. 

 

I fought and I fought; I fought as hard as I could, but the--the cat. Was she really a cat? She was much stronger than a regular one, that's for sure. I didn't know she would--I just...I pulled her off. Then...I threw her. And her head hit a wall and a sickening crack filled my ears. I didn’t think much of it. She would come back to life. That’s all Hell was good for, bringing us back to suffer more. 

But that Raven was dead. And she was dead because of me. She was Sebastian’s favorite pet, because she was the only cat in Hell and and and and and and and 

 

AND HE’S GOING TO HATE ME. 

 

The door opened and I turned and saw Sebastian walk through the door and he greeted me, and there it was. That same grin. Full of hatred and cruelty. The smile of a devil. He dropped everything he was holding when he saw. ME. And he saw my blood, gushing uncontrollably. But I didn't matter, because then he saw Raven. And he stared at her. For hours. And for hours, she didn’t return. 

 

And. He. Hates. Me


	13. Pain - October 7, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ciel goes through a major rite of passage.

What have I done? I.m a monster. I.m a murderer. I killed her. And she won.t come back. The voices tell me over and over that i don.t belong in hell. I.m far too human. Yet I.m still too inhuman to stay here. And they mock me. Everyone mocks me.

I.m a monster. Where am I supposed to belong anyway? Here, it.s kill or be killed--in hell it.s kill and wait to be killed. And everyday. Despite being a demon, they make fun of me. They laugh, and I cry, until the tears just evaporate. What kind of demon even cries? Such a poor excuse for a devil. How? How can I be a monster and not belong in hell? What does Heaven have to offer? What does Tartarus have to offer? Who is there to listen? 

Nobody.

You.re totally alone in this fucked up world

.

No one wants you

.

No one ever wanted you

.

All they.ve ever done is tolerate you

.

You pushed away the only two people who ever cared

.

And the one you care about hates you now

.

You don.t deserve to be near him.

You don.t deserve to breathe the same air as him.

You don.t deserve to live in the same house with him.

You don.t deserve to live at all.

At.

All.

 

Raven gave you what you deserved. And you? You loved it. YOU LOVED IT. BLEEDING FROM EVERY WOUND INFLICTED ON YOU. THE VERY FEELING GOT YOU HARD, YOU DISGUSTING WASTE OF SPACE! YOU LOVED THOSE HANDS ON YOU. YOU LOVED GETTING BEATEN. YOU LOVE IT ALL. YOU L _ OVE IT ALL. _


	14. Horror - October 13, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ciel tastes his own soul.

That’s the expression I’d never thought I’d see on that damned demon’s face. He was  _ horrified  _ and...maybe... _ disgusted? _ He stared at me, as the blood rolled down my chin and as I stared back at him. Through my slitted eyes. My arms ached and hurt hideously, but I loved it. I was quivering in excitement. I was so turned on by the agony I was putting myself through.

But what he found horrifying wasn’t my hypersexuality, though it certainly did contribute. It was my arms; bites of where I’d ripped chunks out of my flesh littered my arms. I couldn’t help it. I tasted my blood and I  _ NEEDED MORE. _

**Sebastian,** I said,  **Tell me something!**

**What?** he asked.  **What do you want me to tell you, Young Master?**

**Tell me…**

**Is this what you wanted? Is this the soul you craved?!**

 

**… Yes, my lord.**


	15. Betrayal - October 16, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ciel's paranoia.

My blood is burning, and oh God oh God I.ve been given such a beautiful wake up call, but I can.t trust anyone I cna.t trust family, who did those fools think they were that they could just trick me and then turn on me like some untrained dogs--disgusting, pitiful creatures--I.ll destroy them all...I am Ciel Phantomhive you can.t fool or upset me you can.t do that, you just can.t do it because I always get my way damn it! And I.m always right, don.t you dare fucking tell me otherwise! go to Hell go to Hell go to Hell go to Hell! I can.t fall in love I can.t love family I can.t have friends I can.t trust anyone I can.t trust anyone I can.t trust anyone I CAN.T TRUST THEM I CAN.T TRUST THEM, DISGUSTING BETRAYING MONSTERS. THEY, MINDLESS DEMONS, MAY TRY TO TRAMPLE ON ME BUT I WILL DEVOUR THEM IN RETURN!


	16. Forget-Me-Not - October 17, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A chapter about Alois, written by Ciel in Alois's POV.

All I wanted was love. But everywhere I turned, a door slammed shut in my face. That’s all I wanted. To matter. And because no one cared, I’d lash out. With the beautiful crystal blue eyes as they reflect the skies of the heavens, and the crown of hair as it shines like gold in the scorching sun. My beautiful porcelain skin and the forget-me-not threads I always wore. Butterfly wings will carry me to heaven with my maid and my brother. Together, forever. I know that Ciel would never forget me.

He will remember.

He will love me.


	17. Choke - October 18, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ciel gives Sebastian a morbid gift, and the demon reacts negatively.

I did it for a reason, I promise.

 

I had a box wrapped up for Sebastian. I picked the prettiest box, and I wrapped it and tied it up with a big pastel blue bowtie, and I gave it to him. I watched him open it up, his smile still cruel. But soon, his smile changed to. Rage.

 

I thought you’d like it, Sebastian, I promise.

 

He stared at the gift I’d presented to him. It was like cats do. They catch prey and then offer it to the person of their affection. Why did he get angry? I thought he liked cats. I thought he’d like the head of the cat I gave him. I went through all that trouble of going to the surface and chopping it in half. Why was he angry? He shouted at me.

 

Why are you angry, Sebastian?

 

He coiled his strong hands around my neck, and lifted me off the ground, abruptly cutting my breath off. My small claws went to grasp the bigger hands around my neck. I gasped. I gasped and stared up at Sebastian, at his angry expression. My face felt hot, my ears burned. I wanted his grip to tighten, tighten until all I’d see would be a pair of crimson eyes. Tighten, just to cut my breath off, so I could pass out with my love’s hands around my neck.

He noticed me, noticed me finally, with my tongue lolling out of my mouth, my cheeks red, and he dropped me and recoiled in disgust. I hugged his leg and begged him to do it again.  **Please do it again. I loved it. I loved it. I loved it. I loved it.**


	18. Black and Blue and Purple Lights - October 19, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ciel has a one-night stand.

I’ve done a reckless thing.

 

My ‘friend’ saw me, and invited me out for a night of fun, of FUN he said. But I ended up getting my heart broken. Fun. It was supposed to be fun. He picked me up, and because he was a time demon we got there in no time. I was underage, and so was Eon, but they let us in anyway. Eon said it was because this was Hell. He said that nobody cared. He bought me a drink and seemed surprised when I sucked it back without gagging. Why was he surprised? Earls always drink at parties. I was used to it. Eon left and then another soul sat next to me. He asked me what I was doing there. He called me a cutie.

I looked up and saw him in skimpy clothes (skimpier than what he usually wore, but all the same cluttered with crushed forget-me-nots). He gave me a big smirk and stole my second drink. I said that I wasn’t in the mood to deal with him. He noticed the scars then and giggled.  **Jesus Christ Ciel, it looks like you got into a fight with a bear. And lost!** A cackle erupted from his mouth.

I rolled my eyes and told him that I was attacked by a soulless. Raven had been Sebastian’s familiar, and was now, apparently, Syxx. I’ve been told she existed in two states when she was--here. Messenger and familiar. They said the time flow of Hell fucked everything up. Still a bit difficult to wrap your head around, if you ask me. 

**Y’know,** he said,  **in this lighting they look kinda hot…**

There was a fog on the counter from where the cold of the drink touched it, so I began drawing broken hearts inside. I didn’t really care about what the butterfly was saying. 

Everything else seemed to go by like a blur. The more I drank, the drunker I became. And the more stupid I became too. I began responding to his flirts. He pressed his mouth to mine and I cupped his cheeks, and our tongues danced to the music blasting in the club. He pulled me close and our bodies rubbed in such a delicious manner. All these pent up emotions I poured out into our interactions, all of my self-hatred and my broken heart, thrown away to be forgotten under the flashing lights of the club.

We kissed until our jaws hurt, stumbling away from the counter. The sneaky devil led me to a private room, so I pushed him onto the bed and straddled his waist. He licked his lips and leaned down and whispered.  **Ciel, I didn’t know you were so dirty…**

I woke up the next morning black and blue and purple, just like the lights in the club, and Alois was gone.


	19. Self Harm - October 21, 2016

Self harm is so much more than a blade to one’s wrist. Self harm is taking more than the suggested amount of painkillers. Self harm is when you  _ don’t  _ take painkillers, because you deserve to suffer through all of it. Self harm is not taking care of your wounds after you’ve made them. Self harm is walking across the street without looking both directions first, hoping that a car might hit you.

Self harm is putting on your most provocative clothing and purposely going down the sleaziest of streets so other people can rape you. Self harm is drinking in large quantities, knowing that it’s bad for your liver, but just not giving a fuck. 

Self harm is purposely putting yourself in abusive relationships, it’s picking your scabs, it’s making yourself come off as a terrible person, it’s sabotaging your relationships, it’s turning down offers you know would improve your life, it’s every single little way you punish yourself for existing. Stop telling me that I’ve been clean for several days. I haven’t. 

Because I do this every day.


	20. Halloween - October 23, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ciel describes his psychosis.

As Halloween approaches, my hallucinations get worse. They get horrible, and they whisper to me. They stand in front of me in costumes. Wait, wait. My heart is pounding. Help, help. Halloween approaches and I can’t tell if my hallucinations are house decorations, or creatures my mind concocted in an act of defiance. Am I going insane? I’m blind. The day before, I felt needles through my ankle, rooting me down to the solid ground. I knelt, bearing through the pain. Pulling me to the ground. I was hurting. I was bleeding. But only I saw it. Only I felt it. I knew this, so I say,  **huh. That’s new.**

This lasted for an hour. I couldn’t move from that spot. I moved my ankle and pain shot up my leg like spikes. And then I could move, and I limped home, pained by an agony that no one could see. But I could. And oh, God, did it hurt. 

And I’m at the house we share. I kneel down and greet a dog. I wasn’t aware that Sebastian had gotten a dog. Eventually I realized that if Sebastian had gotten a dog he would have murdered it by then, but all I could do was chastise it.  **Stupid dog. Stop eating the stinkbugs.** I told it, but of course it didn’t listen. 

**Young master,** he told me.  **There is no dog there.**

And unwillingly I snap.  **Of course it’s real! Are you calling me** **_crazy_ ** **?!** There’s silence on his end. Haha. I’m crazy. He admitted it right to my face. I’m crazy. I’m crazy. I’ll keep writing it out and everytime it gets more and more real. I’m crazy. I’m i n s a n e. Right to my face. He stood silent. I’m crazy. I’m crazy. I think about it all the way to my room. Crazy, crazy, crazy. Insane. I open my door and scream. Cages and members from the cult. They grab my arms with bruising force and cover my mouth. They drag me inside and hold me down. Hallucinations in costumes. Pain that only I can see, only I can feel. Voices that only I can hear. Halloween. Laughing clowns. Disgusting mouths. Cult. Cult. Cult. Branding. Pain, misery, impurity. Halloween brings these closer to me. Trick or treating, treating every day. Treating my misery. Help me, please help me. I’m going insane, I’m going insane, I’m going fucking crazy, HELP ME. HELP ME! 

He comes into my room with those members and they just. They loom over me and smile.  **We will stop hurting you if you scratch him.** They burn me.  **SCRATCH AND BITE. SCRATCH AND BITE. SCRATCH AND BITE.** SCRATCH AND BITE. I scream, when he tries to grab my wrist, and I run my claws down his face. He lets out a howl of pain as I rake my hands over his hideous smirking face. 

**THIS IS THE ONLY WAY. THIS IS HOW THEY’LL STOP. I’M SORRY. I’M SORRY.** I scream and when he tries to grab my arms I bite into his wrists. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. This is the only way they’ll stop. And they stopped. Poor thing. He looks almost exactly like me, now, but his scars won’t stay like mine have.


	21. Joker and Harlequinade - October 26, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ciel describes his abuser.

Every time I see him, he laughs at my pain. He loves to light me up like fire and then turn me down and beat me silly. He strangles me and then kisses my lips and manipulates me into thinking that he cares. Then he holds me down and puts his hands all over my body and he does that to me, he does it, and I don’t want it. Please stop, please stop. Don’t do it.

 

And when he leaves he tells me to stay in my room and never talk to that demon. He loves me. He loves me.

I love it, what he does to me. He knows I do. So he does it every single day and every single day I fall harder and harder for him.

 

And then he stops.

He doesn’t talk to me as much. He doesn’t pretend to like my music. He doesn’t hold my hand or kiss my cheek. He doesn’t kiss my self-harm scars. He doesn’t kiss my broken heart. He stops staring me in the eye. He doesn’t beat me. He doesn’t touch me. And then I’m invisible to him.

I wrap my arms around him from behind, and say.  **Look At Me.**

And he replies.  **No.**

And then I say.  **Please.**

 

And he laughs.

 

**Look at me, Alois. Please.**


	22. The Crimson Earl - October 27, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ciel describes an old friend from his time in the cult.

We had fantasies together, behind those bars, all those years ago. During that cold, winter month of loneliness, pain, and darkness. She was the only thing that kept me hopeful. She told me that my blue eyes were gorgeous, and so I told her that her green eyes reminded me of a cat’s eye. She was a cougar- no, a cub. She was just a cub then. Young and doe-eye’d.

We had fantasies together. Of getting out of that cult and being best friends, and making the world a safe place for children. Of growing old together. I’d marry Lizzie and she’d be single forever because she didn’t want a man. I was the only person she told why she didn’t want a hand in marriage. Because men had done so many things to her that I can’t even write on paper because it’ll trigger memories of what had happened to me. Because men tried to control how she thought or felt.

**Esperanza,** I said,  **But what about me?**

**You’re too sweet.** That’s what she told me.

I admired how brave she was. She spat at the tall shadows and grasped at the bars when they told her not to. They’d hurt her in so many horrible ways but she’d never break. But when they were gone, she’d hold me close and even though I couldn’t hear her, she cried. Her tears stung my skin like acid.

 

Oh, what was I thinking?

 

When I summoned that demon, I left her behind. Bleeding out behind me. I turned my back on her and I betrayed her and Hope, I’m so sorry. That’s what you said your name meant, right? We were so hopeful, but I think it was all you. You hoped, and hoped for freedom. And no matter how much I hit rock bottom, when I saw you hope, I climbed up right with you. I hoped too. And I hoped as hard as I could.

 

Maybe too hard.

 

Three years later, and you returned on your own. They all knew you, the woman who wore red, bright red men’s clothes. The woman who wore heels. The woman who owned a wine company. The woman with the credibility of a strategic genius. No more were you a cub. You were a cougar. A phoenix. And behind you stood a butler in crimson red with the smirk of hell, like a shadow. A cougar. A phoenix. The Queen’s Aristo-cat.

 

I’ve lost all hope now. How was I so hopeful back then?

 

Ah, that’s right…

I still had you.


	23. Encarnizado Aristocat - October 29, 2016

I don’t know what to do with myself when everyone ignores me. I want to be hurt. I want to be kissed and then strangled and told I’m pathetic and disgusting. But Alois won’t even do that.

I was walking with that demon when I saw it. Everything made sense. Why he stopped talking to me. Why he stopped looking at me. Why he stopped loving me. Everything made sense. It hurt, it hurt so much. To see Alois stand on his toes and press his lips to a woman. And they looked happy. The Joker and his new Harley Quinn, because I wasn’t good enough to be the first and last. I wasn’t good enough to be abused.

There were tears in my eyes, and I turned away with an order on my lips.  **Kill Alois Trancy.** Kill the Joker. And he did with a large smile. Killing him was a step in forgetting about him. Just like with Lizzie. Just like with Hope.

Yet the woman grew enraged. Hands were around my neck and my back to a wall, and I remembered. I remembered who she was, I stared deep into her emerald green eyes, and she stared into my red ones. The guilt from all those years back swarmed my body. Regret was something I had not experienced until I got to hell, but every day I seemed to be regretting things more and more. She was closing her hand around my neck and Sebastian.

He looked on in amusement.

I forced out, between gasps.  **Esperanza, I’m sorry.**

She spat on the ground, and stared me deep in the eyes and said.  **No You’re Not.** Her hand tightened around my small neck and black consumed my vision.

 

How does it feel, Ciel?

To lose four people who cared about you?


	24. Virgin - November 3, 2016

Tell me, tell me, Mary.

Even though they put their hands all over me,

Even though they put their sour mouths to mine,

Even though I told them to stop but they continued anyway,

Tell me, tell me, Mary;

Am I still a virgin, like you?

Even though I liked him,

Even though he touched me,

Even when I told him stop but I was too tipsy to fight back,

Tell me, tell me, Mary;

Am I still a virgin, like you?

Am I still as pure as you?


	25. Mirror - November 4, 2016

Mirror, mirror on the wall,

I want to be smart, handsome and tall.

I don’t like what you’re showing me,

The boy who’s pudgy, scarred, and small.

Mirror, mirror on the wall,

I really don’t like myself at all.

I want to be perfect, I want to  _ feel  _ perfect,

But that kind of thinking is making me bawl.

Mirror, mirror on the wall,

Net my insecurities like a trawl.

Make me like the boy on the other side,

He’s smart and handsome and loved, yet small.

Mirror, mirror on the wall,

Am I but a rag doll?

Why is he so happy?

And I’m a piece of spall?

Mirror, mirror on the wall,

I hope you’re satisfied and happy now.

This is your punishment,

To be at the mercy of my hands and maul.

 

[ blood stains, letters are shakily written, occasionally shard of glass mixed with the blood stains. ]


	26. Wreak Havoc - November 5, 2016

It’s all I’m good for. All I did was  _ kill.  _ When I saw blood, that one time. I lost my stomach onto the floor beneath me, but now when I see blood, it’s on my hands and it’s. It’s delicious. And I love it _. _ I love how they scream and beg for my mercy, as I stand there, swallowed by my lust for their soul. It’s the only reason I’m here. People pray to God when they see me. To the God that rejected them. 

But I prayed to a God that rejected  _ me _ the minute my mansion burned down. Yet there she was, in the ruins of my shattered soul, the one who would never abandon me. She had changed, yes, but she was still my Lizzie, my ever-beautiful Lizzie. With heels that trumped mine by far, she towered over me, even from the distance. She bothered not to cover her slender legs; instead, they were clothed in stockings seemingly made out of fishing trawl. She was within a foot of me in an instant. 

I was there, smeared in crimson, staring up at her as she pointed her emerald green rapier to my throat. But I didn’t mind that. I tried to inch closer to it, to feel it press into my throat. My tongue worked faster than my mind.  **Lizzie!**

I sank to my knees and took the hand that held the blade in my own. I stared up at her, my heart heavy, like the tears rolling down my cheeks. They washed away splatters of red.  _ I HATE RED.  _ How could I ever have loved it?

**Lizzie,** I whispered.  **Please, take me back, I’m sorry.**

She seemed surprised. She was a goddess in my eyes, standing so tall, her flaxen hair flowing in the whispering wind. Her emerald green eyes were analytical. Lips painted onyx curled into a smirk, and she leaned down.  **Ciel--no. ‘EARL’ Phantomhive.** She purred in a knowing tone.  **Fancy seeing you get on your knees for the girl you never cared much about.**

**Lizzie!** There’s that awful desperation lacing my voice.  **I beg you! I’ll change, I’ll be better, just** **_stay_ ** **with me!** She licked her upper lip, leaning closer, cupping my cheek. I leaned into her gloved touch, relishing it, loving it, loving her cruelty. Because I knew what she was doing. She leaned in close enough so we were touching, close enough so she could hear my pounding heart.

**Y’know, I just got out of a really abusive relationship…** She hummed.  **He was cruel and never accepted my advances. Seemed like he was just doing things because he had to. But you’re not like that. Are you?** She smiled, and then she pulled her hand to the side, dragging the sword across my throat. I gasped, blood pouring from the wound onto the concrete below.  **I’m cutting you off, Ciel. Oops, didn’t mean to make that pun.** She giggled.  **Guess I did, though.**

She turned as I fell to the floor. I watched her skip up to two other girls. One was taller, stronger, prettier than I could ever dream to be. Another was short, adorable, and smart. Smarter than I can ever be. They all looked back, those girls. Esperanza, my friend that I betrayed at the cult. Sieglinde, the little green witch. And Lizzie, my fiancee, who hated me. Those girls looked back, and they held hands as they walked off. I let out a broken cry as black consumed my vision.

 

Come back to me.

I’m sorry.


	27. Epilogue

Greetings.

My name is Sebastian Michaelis, often referred to as “that demon”, or “my demon”. For the most part, I am addressed with masculine pronouns. In this diary, Ciel Phantomhive related his “life story”, as one might call it. Throughout it, he had described his deepest emotions, beginning from when he first summoned me and ending today as I write this, on November 28, 2016. The events that led to his ultimate demise were tragic.

Ciel was a demon who suffered from many crippling mental disabilities, which massacred his ability to function properly as one. This was because he was a human that was transformed into a demon (rather than a demon born from sin), and was therefore made unwelcome in Hell. Having to attend the Demon Academy for training, the other rookie demons enjoyed roughing him up and took it rather far because of Ciel’s status. In Hell, Ciel was situated at the bottom of the social class. He often addressed his attackers the same way he referred to the members of the cult--as tall shadows that put their hands on him. He was extremely mentally unstable, falling in love with whoever was capable of outputting any sort of emotion.

… This doesn’t quite explain why he fell in love with me. I didn’t hate him, as he’s written a multitude of times in this diary. He must have jumped to this conclusion because of his severe case of psychosis. I was simply indifferent.

He was compulsive and outwardly abusive and destructive to others, including myself. This is seen in the entries, “Blood”, and “Fallen Angel”, where he found Elizabeth Midford on her search for him. Influenced by his psychosis, he blindly attacked her and attempted to show her how “good” pain felt. She, of course, returned it tenfold and returned the engagement ring that bound her to him. 

In the entry “Hands”, he describes in intense detail a scene that took place after school, where he had been raped by his peers.

He eventually lashed out. He killed the one cat I had in Hell, when all she did was give him a little scratch. He threw her against a wall and broke her fragile neck, and she never revived.

In “Horror”, Ciel describes his self-inflicted bite marks. He had been using a blade to slice his wrists when he tasted his blood, and went on to cover his arms in the wounds in order to taste more of his soul. I lied. His previously delectable soul had turned into a rotten disarray because of his transformation.

The next day he offered me the head of a cat, and I reacted as any normal demon would. I stopped when I learned that he had been enjoying it.

The next four entries describe his abusive relationship with Alois Trancy. As I said, he’d fall in love for anyone who’d show him the slightest amount of emotion. Alois eventually left him for Esperanza. And so he ordered me to kill Alois.

I don’t quite remember what triggered the poem in Mirror, but I do remember that during that day he had been staring at his reflection for hours. After several attempts to try and get him to move or to get him mentally present, I disclosed that he was just catatonic and went on with my day. Hours later, he had smashed the mirror with his hands.

He was distraught to find that Elizabeth Midford had gotten with Sieglinde Sullivan. He was depressed for months.

Until finally, Ash Landers and his mistress, Queen Victoria, decided to put him out of his misery. Victoria had become the angelic sheath of Excalibur, much like Hannah Annafellows was the sheath of Leviathan. Ash desired to kill Ciel. So he did, and now the boy is dead, forever.

 

I publish this diary in memory of the once great Ciel Phantomhive.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Freedom is abnormally bittersweet.


End file.
